It's 2:04 am...*warning this will be long*
I tried to go to bed at 1 after watching a couple episodes of Scrubs seasone one *which I bought myself today as a happy birthday me thing*
I couldnt' sleep, my brain wouldn't turn off. So I prayed.
I read Psalm 51 because I heard God say to read it, aparantly I hadn't spent some time cleansing my heart in a while and you know the heart can be like a semi-clogged drain sometimes...the build up...well just keeps on building up. It was refreshing, I prayed it out loud a couple times intermitted with thoughts and iniquities. Then I ambled to the kitchen and ate some trail mix...my tummy is still rumbly. Now here I sit and it's if the spirit is slowly filling the void that those confessed things left...it's calming, beautiful.
I feel that there is always a part of me that goes untouched by the spirit, like that little bit of slushy that you can never seem to get out. I know the Lord is in me and I'm 100% his...however that sliver of "human nature" clings on. That sliver that festers. I'll only truly be contented and whole when that sliver is forever removed.
Arg, dang tummy, I dont want to eat a ton of crap at 2am but I need something... cereal would be great but I dont have milk neither does my roomy.
Don't judge but I have a bagel toasting while I type.
Today was my birthday. Yep 25. Crazy, I'm in my mid-twenties. I think I like growing up, I'm still discovering who I am and the many diverse sides of myself. However I'm more founded in who I am. I'm stronger, willing to say more of what I need and want to say not just what I should say. There is a boldness that comes with age, I pray it never becomes cockyness. I'm becoming less selfish in acts and thoughts, less protective *not quite the word I was looking for* of my things but not less materialistic. I'm becoming more aware of my singleness *didn't think that could happen* and more aware of the fact that I truly desire to have a husband and one day a family. I'm softening to the idea of him being my leader and protector...although I'm not letting go of the balance and mutual submission. I'm growing up, however at the core of my being is that little girl who is frightened of what the world gives away and what invades her being. The Lord is good though, and His love truly endures forever.
The other day we had Lifegroups *our small groups* for youth. I usually will drive around to the different lifegroup locations and see how things are going, however last tuesday I stayed at one of the gr.8 girl groups. One precious girl asked "Is it ever...wrong to pray....like while you're going to the bathroom...or showering?" She asks as if she was confessing a sin that has been weighing her down for years. I burst out laughing, I quickly reassured her that her question was not invalid and I had thought of that one as well. I perseeded to say she can pray anywhere anytime and that the Lord just doesn't think like we do. It was an honest, totally lagit question. I definatly appriciated that one. I love being a youth pastor.
Honest questions, ones asked with integrity and a true desire to know the answer are a beautiful but unique set of questions.
Hmm I think the bagel did it's job.
Oh, I just read my title "trend" now I wrote that will thinking of how so many people got into blogging near the end of 06 through 07, I know many were on before and have been loyal. But a vast amount of the people who I knew that jumped on the bandwagon...definatly fell off. Some lasting more than others...but no longer on the ride for sure. Trends are interesting things.
Can I just say one thing, probably sound lame and so typical of girls and fasion. But seriously the whole scarf trend makes my heart sad. I've been wearing scarfs for years. Not just the winter scarf scarf but the cotton uber trendy oversized hankerchief ones. Now it doesn't make me sad because they're popular. But it does make me sad that I was wearing them before they got popular and will continue to wear them after they are popular but I will be seen as stuck behind the times because I'm still wearing them! I'm definatly not saying I started this trend because I sure didn't. However I will say this...out of my friends I definatly was wearing them before most if not all. Just putting that out there.
I think I should print off all my blog and put it in "Journal". I may not write as honest as if it were my journal journal...but aleast I can read it *seriously my journal is pretty illegible at times* and I often write more because writing by hand takes more effort and a lot more time. I shall do that one day....
I'm not going to lie, I spend way to much time on facebook and online for sure. I think its highly based on the fact that I, like everyone else, wants to feel connected. Even writing this is a way to stay connected. A way to ensure peole know what I'm thinking and still around. I have a lot of friends *not to sound cocky* but I really do. However it seems that its' spread out like an over sized cookie and has become vast and thin. I spend my time with people in coffee shops or food establishments catching up the month(s) because there hasn't been time to just connect. Hanging out with multiple peole is few and far between these days unless they're my youth staff. I love talking, I love connecting, and listening. It's the heartbeat of who I am. But it's a lot of work, and I'm tired. I need adventure, crazy stunts and just plan ol' hangin' out to refresh my soul. I'm tired of being the care taker. Perhaps this is why I cling to facebook and now this blog...I am tired of playing catch up so this is me grasping at staying in the now.
I feel as though I could go on... and on...
I've enjoyed typing this blog, don't feel bad if you skipped to this part because it's the last sentence. I forgive you. Go ponder something and write it down.